Mothering fail? 

When the younger daughter was in Class VIII, she wanted to drop out of school. She was quite serious about it when she said it too. So, I looked at her earnest face, sat her down and told her that the next seven years of her life were mine. Four years of school and three years (at least) for a graduate degree. Thankfully, she agreed. She did not look too happy about it, but she agreed.

This year, the seven years are up. And my girl has not forgotten. She graduates in a month or so and when asked what she plans next, she shrugs, says she is taking at least a year off from studies pointedly reminds me that she has given me my seven years. And I’m not complaining. And what seven years it has been! This daughter is a master at last minute arrangements, which I totally get. Everything happens just as you are ready to give up on her, whether it is her college admissions or internship or even her social life. Do I fret? Of course I do but deep down inside I know she will figure it out. 

As for the older daughter, she too graduates in a month or so. Its ironical, they are (as many of you know) just a year apart. So, when she was small and she wouldn’t study at school, I used to frighten her saying she could flunk and then study in her younger sister’s class. Well, she did a four-year degree and her sister a three-year one. So now they are at par!!! When asked what she wants to do next, she is wavering between trying for JNU and some other stuff. But she is also adamant that she wants to sit for the civil service exams. From home. 

As far as I am concerned, that is the part that scares me. From home. That means for the next few odd years she will be slumming it at home and I will be fretting about whether she is working hard enough or even trying to. I know I will look in on her and prod her to get up and tear my hair out at the state of her room. So last night the spouse and I had a long hard chat with her. Of course, we will let her follow her dream and of course she will be at home while she does it. We will just have to wait and see whether she has the grit or determination to see this through. 

The girls were both home over the weekend. The younger one left early yesterday, with barely a whispered “happy Mother’s Day.” The older one had to be prodded to arrange a “surprise” dinner for me! We don’t really believe in Mother’s Day and stuff save to the extent that it’s a good excuse to order in some nice food. What use is Mother’s Day, anyway? What are we celebrating? Motherhood is a unique and strange journey that speaks to each individual and their circumstances. Call me strange, but I never had a role model to follow when mothering my children. We just bumbled along till we got it right. The baby part was easy: potty training and breast feeding are simple in comparison to what’s in store. Toddlers were a handful but we toddled through it, one baby step at a time. The dreaded pre-teens and teens were spent with the three of us being hormonal and having loud fights and making up thereafter. Looking back, if you ask me the worst years are the seven to elevens. That’s when kids grow into their own, when they push every boundary and see how far they can go. Kids are wicked, calculating, devious and extremely perceptive instruments of evil. They know if you disagree with the spouse, they know which is the hand that gives and they jolly well know how to play one parent against another. They learn how to demand and get things from the people around them and that includes the uncles, aunts and grandparents. This is when the boundaries are set. This is the time to be firm and set examples. 

The other day we ‘met’ some modern parents. They blocked a gate, ignoring the cars waiting to go in and sat in the car and smiled while their toddler had a tantrum on the road about something and hugged him and coaxed him into the car. Trust me, I would have just whacked him or (worse) left him behind for a minute or two! Nowadays you cannot do that, you will “traumatize” the “little darling”! Another mother has this principle that she will not discipline her kids. They are growing into their own personalities and they should be allowed to do so. So, if she does reprimand or shout at them, she is punished by her children! I mean, how mad is that? Thank heavens all this was not there when my girls were growing up, I’d still be standing in the “naughty corner”! Of course, these modern houses have no concept of naughty corners! Of course, I think COVID and the lockdown is partly to blame. I read a report in the papers that children don’t wish to take notes anymore in school, the parents demand it be sent online. Another parent said she can’t go to work because her daughter is giving an exam and she has to sit there with her. I mean, who is being tested here? Children have become dependent on their parents in ways we cannot imagine and vice versa, so many mothers I know were actually upset that their children had to go to school when they opened up. “But don’t they need to be with other children their age?” I asked pointedly. Pat came the reply, “they have Google meet for that!” Nonsense, when will they play in the mud and get wet in the rain and run around playing catch with their friends? But most children, I was told, don’t even do that anymore. And if I used to have a complex about school-gate moms, now there’s a whole new world of WhatsApp Moms I can’t even contemplate. I give up! To each her own... As I say there is no right way of parenting, only your way.

Anyway, coming back to motherhood, my way. Thinking back, I was pretty lousy as a parent, as I said we bumbled along and somehow got it right. I think. More credit to the girls than me. I was the parent who was late to pick up her kids, I was the clueless mother in the parent-teacher meetings trying desperately to hide under the desk, I was the mom too tired to cook anything but Maggi for her kids in the evening, I was the mom who gave up on trying to remember that the girls had a test, I was the impatient mom who did not have time to sit with the girls when they were supposedly studying. There’s a lot I did wrong. 

So, thing is, if I got a second shot at it all, would I do it differently? No way. 

Now as I said, they are graduating. Everyone’s favourite question is, “what’s next? What about post-graduate courses?” Most of our friend’s kids are going places for their Master’s degrees and some of them look at me sadly when I say my girls aren’t doing any of that just yet. One even told me I was making a mistake, I should push them harder. I just smiled and said nothing. He won’t even understand if I try to explain that it is their life, not mine. 

There’s only one thing I demand of my children. And I have been steadfast over the years. Be happy (of course, it comes with a rider not to deliberately hurt others or be rude or horrible and all that) but at the end of the day, its simple: be happy. Do what makes you happy. Do what YOU want to. Not because you cannot do anything else or because it is someone else’s dream for you. One can live with failure but not the weight of other people’s dreams. So go follow that star, it shines only for you.